didn’t mean to use him

June, 1995, home

Ava is the worst human alive.

It has to be deliberate, what she’s doing. I didn’t even want to hang out tonight but she made such a big deal over wanting to know how I was, and for some reason I thought it might be good, I could talk to her. I used to be able to talk to her. She used to be my friend.

Then I get home and there’s a message saying she has to cancel because she and Jackson are going to a reading at St. Marks.

I am so fucking furious, my left hand is a fist. That’s not a mistake, that’s on purpose. Deliberately trying to make me feel bad. That’s so disgusting. Like the way she was telling me about the dinner party at Todd Colby’s house, she couldn’t stop herself from grinning. She’s so ugly.

When I think how much I trusted her, how emotionally vulnerable I was with her, I practically shake, that she walks around knowing things I told her about myself. I wanted to call back and leave a message telling her to fuck off, but I won’t give her the satisfaction of knowing she managed to hurt me. Maybe I will write her a note instead.

Dear Ava, I’m sad that you weren’t able to keep our plan yesterday, and that our two years of friendship aren’t important to you any

Ava, since you broke our plans last minute to hang out with Jackson, I have to assume that you’re trying to tell me

Ava, Please don’t make plans with me and then cancel them to hang out with Jackson. I understand that you feel like you have to choose sides here, and that puts you in a weird position, but for the sake of our longstanding friendship, maybe you could be less of a cunt about it.

YOU FUCKING CUNT BITCH COW, I HOPE YOU CHOKE

I’ll work on it later. I think I’ll call Hil and see what she’s up to. There’s probably sixteen people in her apartment right now. She’s never alone. I don’t know how she can stand it. The Biblios guys take advantage of her because her apartment is so close and nice and she’s so generous.

No answer. She’s probably with J, unless she’s with JM. She should choose JM, he’s finally in a place where he wants to be with only her, but now she wants J more.

Called Gale and left a message. Nobody’s around tonight. That’s fine. Gale and Edmond are the only two friends I managed to make in grad school and now I’ve made out with both of them. At least Gale’s still speaking to me.

Edmond’s mad at me for using him. Fuck. I didn’t mean to use him, but I guess I did. I shouldn’t have referred to him as my auxiliary boyfriend at the party, I was showing off. I used Chester, too. I’m everything I hate about other people. I’m such a selfish asshole.

I’m glad I’ve been writing to myself again, even if it’s all petty bullshit that contributes nothing to the world. It feels like a good habit. Sometime it even helps in the moment, not always.

I was so enraged when I got home and now I’m still fucking enraged but I feel like killing Ava and not myself, so that’s an improvement.

(To read the girl bomb diaries in chronological order, click here.)