In my dream, I told people, I'm thinking of having a baby. And they asked some question like where or how. And I said, in my uterus I was thinking.

Just saw Ava on the way to the train. Her face is still ugly, and her hair looks fake.

Got drunk on Scotch and Guinness at Tom & Jerry’s last night, my last night at the Press. MG fell down drunk and incoherent after telling me he'd always hoped we'd get together, and how much he admired my tits and ass. How I'd gotten heavier, but it hadn't mattered. I thought he was gay.

Confessed last night to Ted how lonely I was feeling, like I had no roots, and had to write off just about everybody I've known. In the middle of telling him, I could see he was staring off into space.

So I've got this ex-boyfriend. Actually, I have, like 17 to 25 ex-boyfriends. But for the sake of brevity, let's just call him one. It depends on what you consider a relationship, you know, where do you draw the line? Like, penetration, is that where you draw the line?

I can't wait to get to my new job. Scares the shit out of me. What if I made the wrong move? What if I hate it more at Pseudo? What I say to other people has to be true: I'm working on a book and it's my top priority. What is my top priority now? Smoking pot and being with Ted. No wonder I'm going bats.

Wonder if Ava called on Friday or Saturday morning while the answering machine was fucked up. What is the sound of a phone not ringing?

Just came from Judith, very upset. She’s never even met my mother, how does she know she’s mentally ill? I think she’s overblowing the situation. Emotionally ill, absolutely. But there’s nothing wrong with my mother’s brain.

Still doing it. Still with the little notebooks.

This is terrible, waiting for the train. Every morning I’m consumed with anxiety and frustration. Ten minutes I’ve been waiting here at Greenpoint Ave, stomach getting acidic, neck hurting like hell. Hurt my neck last night sucking on stage at the comedy club. Got off stage in the middle of a joke, that’s how discouraged I was.