really did act atrociously

May 26, 1995, bed

I can’t really believe my life right now, which is probably a good thing. Jackson and I are apart. I want to put that in quotes, but I should actually put it in truthful terms. Jackson and I are over, at least, for this round.

But I’m not done, I told him, and several awful things like that. Yes, I feel romantically about you. Yes, I deliberately see the good in you. He referred to himself as my ex-boyfriend. Sadder than sad.

Yesterday it made me angry to see him slip into pomposity or critical judgment. I kept thinking, I mustn’t let him get me back. He was even wheedling at one point. I guess I just don’t trust him not to hurt me. I don’t want to set myself up. I still have fantasies that we’re together until we’re old.

He asked, Didn’t I want to be Beauvoir to his Sartre? They had an open relationship.

I said, We have one of those now.

In many ways, we had a great time hanging out. I was sad to see him so unhappy, but I guess I would have been hurt if he wasn’t. I think I’m still waiting for him to call and plead with me some more so I can say yes after a long, long trial to see that things have really changed. I would love it if in three months we were hanging out one night, and he seduced me. I love to be seduced, especially by him.

Couldn’t get off thinking about him yesterday before he came over. Took it as a sign not to fuck him. Just couldn’t imagine how things would be during/after, how we’d fret and frown and wonder, what are we in?

Took home Chester Brown last night, which I practically threatened to do. I guess I really did act atrociously. How did that happen when I was trying so hard to stay cool? I’m so sad right now.

Jackson felt our relationship was doomed. It wasn’t any good. It couldn’t last. He doesn’t even care if I fuck somebody else. He knows it releases him and he’s happy. He couldn’t take the pressure of being with me.

I’m glad I said some of the things I did, like, my behavior doesn’t occur in a vacuum. And when he said he had to put up with a lot of behavior he shouldn’t have been subjected to, I said, well me, too. And he knew I was right. God, I’m still arguing with him like it’s solvable.

I feel like I’ve been kicked out of my home. I felt like I had found a safe place. I sang him Lou Rawls, “You’ll Never Find.” I told him I remembered many good nights and mornings with him in his bed. He probably feels so relieved to have gotten rid of me.

I said his name into Chester’s neck. God, that was stupid, all around. The sex was stupid and fruitless, and okay at best. I wonder if it made me feel better. I told Chester I feel like a Tennessee Williams play, and I do, in my red robe, with my dirty dishes. I’m trying to put it behind me.

I can’t believe how together I am. I bet taking that Valium right after he left helped a bunch.

All I can write these days is the truth.

(To read the girl bomb diaries in chronological order, click here.)