can’t find myself anywhere

Thursday, January 4, 1996
9am, train

I just want to close my eyes this morning. It’s all been too hard these past few days/weeks and I’ve made it harder by freaking out and always having to be so emotionally intense. Basically, I don’t know how to act a lot of the time. Glad I didn’t get high this morning. I’m exhausted.

So confused by my feelings for Ted, but I bet it’s simple. I’m just afraid to rock the boat. So much stupid fear.

Didn’t call my father. Get over the guilt right now because it’s what he wants me to feel.

Need more time alone and freedom, but of course, I am free. Ted was saying how he was “good.” He didn’t go to that New Year’s party while I was out with my brother, and what would’ve happened if he did? I can be cruel in bed and last night asked if he thought I really held him in contempt. Told him I idolized him a little. He said he was proud to be the good guy, a positive male presence in my life.

9:45am, work

Well, I’m here and I was truly a half hour late because of the trains and didn’t apologize. I’m happy to report that it’s sulk day today at the coordination corral, like most every day. But somebody over the phone is getting a laugh out of Maddy. She’s got the scratchy, exhausted voice on.

Was saying to Monty that 1996 looks a lot like 1995 so far. Happy to say to say goodbye to last year, which was both sucky and good. What am I doing? Basically trying to feel okay enough of the time to operate well enough. How am I doing? Am I doing okay?

Had a real low point Sunday morning. Fortunately, was alone and didn’t reveal to anybody the depths of my sadness, pain and confusion as it manifests itself in raging, raging insecurity. So much so, that I have to distract myself constantly with stupid movies and silly affairs. I don’t mean this affair is silly, just that I shouldn’t make it the center of my life the way I have.

I need my own life. I need to have a life. I need to figure out what I enjoy and do it. I need to do something about this job. I need to hand in a column tomorrow and I don’t know what I’m going to do it on.

I need, I need, I need. I’m calm, at least. I need to take some herbal speed. I need to shit. I need to understand better what I’m doing in this relationship.

I’m scared of losing it because I fear that so much of the progress I have made in terms of not feeling shitty 100 percent of the time, now more like 40 to 60 percent, is due to my relationship with Ted, which is probably not true fundamentally, but situationally, meaning short term, it’s been great. It’s been an absolute lifesaver, even as much as it’s confused me and made me feel weird and hopeless about love in general. I mean, what are we doing, any of us playing the relationship game? Leslie and Colin, Abel and Adele.

Shut up, Maddy. She just apologized for blowing her nose so I would acknowledge her cold and how terrible it is that she is forced to work even though she is sick because she needs the money.

Just thought about Ava, briefly, but very quickly thought, who cares? Who cares about any of them? Feel a little lost and a little sad, but calm, so ahead of the game.

I can’t find myself anywhere. I need to structure my life. Take classes. Have private time. But I like so much the way Ted comes over and spending the night with him. The way he held onto my hand on the train this morning.

Talking last night about how you spoil your loved ones and especially your loved one and how you choose one person to be your loved one, your spoilee. And we didn’t discuss how you make that choice or how important it is, or how sad I feel when I think of being abandoned.

That’s what the whole Lauren thing made me think about. I felt abandoned for her and also for me re Jackson and for me re Ted because I get scared that what we have isn’t real, that Lauren’s his real love and I’m just the temporary diversion. But soon I’ll flake off and they’ll be back together stronger, having grown in the time they were apart.

It’s 10:20. I guess I’d better start doing something that looks like my job.

To read the girl bomb diaries in chronological order, click here.