everyone has their own penumbra

Sunday, January 14, 1996
home

Just thinking walking down 8th Avenue how much longer time takes when you’re a kid, and how as a kid I couldn’t wait to get to enjoy everything adults did, including the prerogative to act any way they wanted.

It’s okay for me to take time off from doing readings. Just thinking about Bobby’s series, who else he booked.  Did he book The Horribles? Probably. Ava can read another mean poem about me.

It’s good to have time off from Ted. He’s got a bug up his ass lately and I wonder what it is.  Probably unsatisfied in one way or another. Not my responsibility.

On the phone with Gale last night, I predicted April/May for the breakup with Ted, and then I’ll just go do something else, as will he. Maybe he’ll go out with Anne. I’d say I was torturing myself right now, but I feel a little removed, like I don’t care. Is that progress?

Listening to Penny Arcade‘s pieces on Dial-A-Poem, there’s nothing too remarkable about them, but they’re honest. Name droppy as hell, well enough written, but really, she’s 43, and it’s all about men and relationships, people fucking other people. I want to be past that by 43, and I even may be.

Have to call my mother this morning. Just can’t wait until we have hardly any contact. Can’t wait until she’s dead. No need to be that dramatic about it.

Friday, January 19, 1996
6:40pm, work

Here at the office, 6:40, just had the Friday pot smoking meeting down at Ian’s fire escape, then went to Botanica, where the guys from Editorial were drinking, and I just didn’t feel like dealing.

What should I do in this reading tonight? I wish I had my first book with me, the nice edition.

Just paged Ted. I don’t know why. Can I be completely honest and still feel safe? Not sure how I feel about him objectively.  hat’s okay for now, but it does mean I should be paying more attention to it.

Yes, I feel a compulsive urge to say I’m sorry, I’m sorry, over and over. Why not? I just smoked pot. Why not? I’ve got echolalia. Everything I say sounds great. You’ll remember all of it, even if you’d rather not. This will haunt you in the brain. I could rhyme brain but insane, but I won’t. I think instead I will rhyme it with arcane.

Later, at the reading

Did okay, but not great. Should have read “Brandy’s Mom Says.” Nothing new. Was obviously unprepared. Feel embarrassed when I perform. Not looking forward to the next gig when Anne will feel superior to me for being more prolific and having more new stuff.

Clara in Accounting got fired for embezzling today and I just wanted to skulk and skulk.  I felt bad because I was so excited by it, by the idea that secret information was coming to light and that yet more yummy info was coming.

I wonder a lot about the future. Ted has to try way too hard.  He overcompensates in some ways and is oblivious in others. I just don’t connect the same way I used to with other people, meaning, my heart doesn’t feel ripped out of my chest, and if we split up I would be fine. I would be better than fine. I would have moved on.

What am I talking about? I’m tipsy to the point where everyone has their own penumbra.

To read the girl bomb diaries in chronological order, click here.