without creative glory

Thursday, October 5, 1995
6:20pm, train

I was busy today doing the text for the website, but happy to be busy. Not crazy busy either, just had something to do that took me all day and was creative but not entirely my generation.

Editing is easy. No wonder frustrated writers become editors. It’s like writing, but without the creative stress. Also without creative glory, but okay. Okay for now.

While recording yesterday, Anne asked about my block. How did she know about my block? I must have told her. She asked, was it because so much of my stuff at the Press has been edited to shit or just plain rejected or killed? I thought she had an excellent point.

Also dragging my heels on the Spencer Tunick project because the project isn’t mine and I took it on for external motivations – fame, to make Eva jealous, etc. What is my connection to it? If I can’t find one, I should leave the thing alone.

Wednesday, October 11, train

We are being held here in the station momentarily. Just said goodbye to Ted. Last night, was in a minor snit when I got home. Tried to get him to have sex and he wasn’t up for it. Took it pretty lousy as I had just run into Jackson on the street and he said, “Aren’t you going to stop and say hello?” I said verbatim, “Yeah. I’m sorry about having nothing to say, but I don’t have anything to say.”

So I was feeling put off and weirded out, which I think he picked up on, and he might have been feeling weird too because his friend at work got back together with his ex. Anyway, it was tense, but we talked about it a little, then started to fool around. I always feel like that’s the only sure makeup. It’s the only cure, and sometimes that fucks me up.

It felt like if we’re not getting a meal or fucking or smoking a joint, Oh, no. What are we going to talk about? What are we going to do?

I asked him, “Are you sure you still like me?” He said, “Janice, I love you.” My whole body got a thrill like heroin or cocaine and it freaked me out how good that rush is, how addictive I find that rush.

Then asked if he really felt that way and he said, “Don’t listen to me. I don’t know what love is. I’ve never loved anybody my whole life.” I felt like I had ruined everything for a few minutes there.

He said, “Please don’t do this, baby,” so I came back and we put it back together. Admitted I’m afraid sex is one of the only things he stays around for. Other fears – told him I’m insecure. Made a big deal over not much, but we worked it out.

(To read the girl bomb diaries in chronological order, click here.)