Irreconciled with everyone.

Friday, April 5, 1996
8:20am, train

What will I discuss with Judith. Trying to live in a different, not reactionary, but really well-grounded kind of life. I can stop thinking about my parents without feeling guilty or thinking about them subconsciously. I can take them out of the center of my life and put myself there instead.

Anyway, I have to realize that they do not have any sort of magical power over me, that I do not owe them anything, not even explanations. I do not have to explain myself except to myself, and then only to really know what I’m thinking.

So I cried a lot at one point last night thinking how sad and angry I was/am. Irreconciled with everyone. The people at work. Thought about not speaking to Ian, how it played out. How much easier it is to concentrate on people I hate at work than my parents.

Telling Ted last night, Oh, I feel better. I’m all right. I’m already thinking about other things. And he said, Oh, good. And I laughed the way you do when you’ve been crying and you feel jaded but in a cleansed sort of way and said, Yeah, good.

Thank god the window only clears for a moment. Just one piece at a time so I can chew. Not so much that I choke.

I wish I’d been a lot more focused in the past few years and that I hadn’t always been distracted by lousy relationships and self-hate to actually get anything accomplished. Talking to Judith about spending most time outside of myself watching myself be uncomfortable inside myself.

Now self-conscious for instance about people, one specific guy, possibly reading this over my shoulder. Always see myself from the perspective of the outsider and am cruelly judgmental as I am with others. Keep calm and centered. Don’t let shit shake me up so hard.

Ran into Hil at Biblios yesterday after work and went to her place, wound up talking and hanging out for a few hours until that guy Aaron dropped by and wouldn’t leave. Poor Hil is always surrounded by weird people. Everyone imposes on her, and she lets them, she gives away so much of herself. A human sacrifice.

I had the interview at Pseudo today. It went well, I think. Went over there and got an official tour of the place. Huge, with only a few desks up front. Josh, the founder, lives in an apartment in the back. I met him a few times when I performed at their parties and at the taping of that cable show.

He acted like I was already working there. “So we’ll get you a modem, and then you’ll start working on content.” I was nodding like I knew what he was talking about. Galinsky showed me the pieces of the site so far. It’s kind of a mess.

A lot of what they do is run these chat rooms for Prodigy, but I’d be working in the Netcast department, whatever that is. I don’t even care, as long as it’s not the Press. They offered me as much money as I’m making, plus I think I could advance which I can’t do at the Press. I’ve tried, God knows.
Josh was asking me when I could start. When Galinsky was walking me out he said he’d call me by the weekend, so at least I’ll know soon whether I got it or not.

Later, work

Just came from Judith, very upset. She’s never even met my mother, how does she know she’s mentally ill? I think she’s overblowing the situation. Emotionally ill, absolutely. But there’s nothing wrong with my mother’s brain. I said to Judith, she runs a very successful company that she built herself, she’s always worked very hard, she loves to work, and she’s good at it. She doesn’t have anything mentally wrong with her. It’s more like a personality disorder. If she wanted to, she could get therapy and fix her life, that’s the frustrating thing.

Trust me, part of me would love to believe that she’s crazy beyond hope, and that everything that’s happened between us is her fault. That part I do kind of believe. But there are times when she’s been remarkably sane. She’s helped me out a lot at times. I don’t want to be an ingrate. She didn’t even have to have me. When I had to make that choice, I didn’t.