busy being his geisha

Tuesday, February 13, 1996
8:25, train

Last night was the work team dinner and I had to bolt right after eating. First one up and gone, though I was having a good time. One, Ted was waiting for me at my place. Two, I was getting a little too free and loud, and didn’t trust myself not to start trouble.

Felt like a dysfunctional family. Rivalry between Yana and DJ. All the girls vying for Simon’s attention. I was overly boisterous, but so was everyone else.

Tonight I have semi plans to hang out with Hil and maybe Spyro. I could hear a condescending prick note in Ted’s voice when I spoke to him. But I probably sounded bitchy and fake. Oh well.

Last night, Ian commiserated over me not getting the dating column. Do I feel disappointed? Yeah, I wanted the column. Darius is going to get one. He’s older and has two books under his belt. Told Ian I don’t want to write copy for the Press. I want to write books and plays. Sounded grandiose but true. Like I cared so much, I wasn’t afraid to be grandiose.

What do I want to write for the paper? Don’t want to wind up just doing reviews and picks, that much I know.

Later

Just stopped by Hil’s because we had tentative plans to hang out. But J and I showed up at the same time. How funny to watch somebody else do it. Put on that solicitude like surgical gloves. A thin skin that makes sure everything is precise, true, and resistant to infection. Like Jackson, J has to be handled very carefully because if something bothers him, that’s it, he’s gone and it’s your fault.

He’s so weird. He got up to go to the kitchen, and as he passed behind the couch he paused and sort of pinched my shoulders like he was going to rub them, as though we actually know each other, which unless I’m mistaken is not true. We virtually know each other, by virtue of the fact that I know a lot about him from talking to Hil. What does she tell him about me? I bet they don’t ever talk about anything having to do with her.

I’m pissed that she drops everything for J. I’d been looking forward to chilling with her, but she’s too busy being his geisha. Even after the way he treats her. It’s so frustrating. God, Janice, stop it. Stop dwelling in it. It’s not yours. You have your own shit to deal with. You will be fine and so will she.