shoehorn himself in
Friday, April 18, 1996
8:45am, train
Thought about skipping these pages today, or for a while.
Had a talk with Ted to say, what the hell are we doing here? We’re so polite and thoughtful and by the book with each other, but is it all form and no content? I know he’s a sensitive and loving person who honestly wants to be good, and rejects everything evil or unjust, and I told him that.
I told Ted that I wanted our relationship to grow deeper and stronger, that I wanted us to be more real with each other, that sometimes I felt alienated and emotionally shut out. Not in an accusatory way, though, I think. I think I said everything in a calm, gentle, loving, productive way, and I do think it helped.
TGIF for fucking sure today. Just telling myself stuff I already know. Really quite calm and centered this morning, don’t want to over investigate for fear of fucking it up, jinxing it. I wonder if these books help. I sometimes feel like they do. Wish I felt more secure in my own judgment. Didn’t have to ask Judith everything. Well, I don’t ask her everything. Some things, I think, I figured out for myself.
Jokes: So I’ve got this ex-boyfriend. Actually, I have, like 17 to 25 ex-boyfriends. But for the sake of brevity, let’s just call him one. It depends on what you consider a relationship, you know, where do you draw the line? Like, penetration, is that where you draw the line?
My mom wears so much makeup, when she smiles, it cracks, and she looks like the big cakey guy from the Fantastic Four. She looks like Hellraiser, without the pins. Before I go any further, I’d like to dedicate this set to my mother, as I have dedicated my entire life including my sanity to her, that bitch. Ha ha ha. That’s called the ice breaker. My mother, god rest her soul – she’s not actually dead yet, I’m just praying, God, rest the woman’s soul already!
I heard as I was walking out with Monty last night that Allison is leading a crusade to get me to stay, to bitch out Ron, and make them hammer out a suitable position for me. Not that they could. Apparently, there is to be some to-do in the meeting on Monday, which absolutely thrills me, though I’m not sure in what way.
Later
Showed up at the comedy show I’d thought about blowing off, and sat through six bad, I mean bad, comedians, before finding out I wasn’t going to be able to go on, because I hadn’t brought anybody to the club. It felt a lot like a poetry open mic, except the people were stupider, more arrogant, and generally more racist, sexist, and homophobic.
Monday, April 21
6pm, train
Didn’t write yesterday, today. So I’m writing this evening, on my way home. Last week of work. Don’t know how I feel. I know I’m not satisfied with my relationship with Ted. That much I know. I just feel bored and edgy a lot of the time. We’re very routine, even when we do things unpredictably.
Looking forward to seeing my cats and cleaning my house. Sleepy from smoking pot with Monty at lunch. I just don’t feel like it’s real with Ted, like it’s based on anything real. Just like it’s all a big act. Ted is nice and kind and stable, but is he? All the nice and kind a) has kind of worn down b) was an act to begin with. Or was it? He’s so incredibly repressed, I can’t tell what’s going on with him.
Not too happy with the shopping column I did today. Jessica W. is an editor now. I’m glad I’m getting out. They’re playing it cool because they figure I’m the one who loses. I don’t get to be part of the super cool paper anymore. But the way I see it, I can still do columns, and then I get to be part of the paper without working here.
Back to Ted. Disgruntled. Don’t even know what I want. Feel like the relationship just isn’t right, somehow. Wonder how much I’d miss him. I’m sure I’d miss him a lot. I spend a ton of time with him.
Hung out with Hil last night, had been looking forward to it being just the two of us, but that guy Bert’s been hanging out at her place all the time lately, strutting around in his undershirt, looking for an opportunity to shoehorn himself in between J and JM. I’d love to tell him what a disgusting, oily, obnoxious, pompous, hairy piece of shit I think he is, with his “ironic” misogynist jokes.
I don’t know why Hil puts up with Bert, except she doesn’t want to be rude to him or hurt his feelings. How many times have I done that myself, make myself do something I don’t want to do so I can not hurt someone else? Telling myself, just do this one last thing and it’ll be over, and then I’ll never make you do anything you don’t want to do ever again, when I know it’s a lie, I know I’ll keep selling myself out for other people. No wonder I don’t trust myself.