something at least to read into
Tuesday, April 2, 1996
8:10am, train
Still doing it. Still with the little notebooks. Proving I can stick to anything even if I don’t try. Tired, though I didn’t get high this morning. Drank a beer and smoked a bunch of pot with Spyro last night and I feel it.
Ever since Jackson, I don’t read my horoscope. It used to seem so important to have something at least to read into.
Always a little sick feeling in my stomach. Felt it yesterday at work. Especially not saying hi to Ian while standing at the fax. Still can’t fully figure out what to do from here. Feel disillusioned.
Maybe the next book could take the form of daily journal entries. Sick, sick, in my guts at the idea of another day spent amongst the company of people I abhor.
The column for Paper would just be a big gift at this point. Hopefully it won’t feel too crushing if it doesn’t come through. It’s not as if I’d lose anything. I have an interview at Saint Martin’s Press on Friday. Less money, but I’m serious about leaving my job. Ian is threatened by me.
Thinking about writing to Ava this morning. Her again. Will definitely send her a card if it’ll get rid of her already. It doesn’t matter how she receives it, what she thinks, if she responds. There’s things I’d like to tell her and so I should say them.
Fuck my mom. Fuck her, fuck her, fuck her. She single-handedly caused me so much pain. Wouldn’t it be great to just let loose, to yell at her? It was obvious to me from the minute I got off the train how impossible she is to deal with rationally, which doesn’t mean I need to be irrational, but doesn’t mean I can’t expect rational behavior from her.
I should get her a shrink recommendation from Judith. Maybe there’s someone in midtown she could see. But it’s not up to me to see to my mother’s mental health. Though if she had even a modicum of it I think I’d be relieved of a lot of the pain, worry, and anger I feel about her.
People on the train think I’m writing about them because I look up every so often. I could swear I was high right now I’m so tired. Got to cut down from my mental and physical health and so I don’t jones when I don’t have it. Would the train ever, ever, ever just go over the bridge without a problem?
I just have to remember what’s mine to bite off. Not try to do things for other people. My relationship with Maddy has been essentially dishonest and has sucked for months. There are certain mistakes I just won’t make again. Like deciding to take care of someone.
Hi Janice. Hi beautiful girl. You’re worth more than beautiful. You caring, loving, trying very hard, young woman. Trying very hard also means admitting some things. I’m not never wrong. But I’m not wrong at work. They’d like to believe I’m wrong, but I’m not. I don’t even have to prove it to them. I know it. The end.
9:02 at Grand Street. The guy at the deli quit. Everybody’s got their own story. Just learning to sit through mine.