see if he could stand the real awful

Sunday, November 5, 1995
9:45pm, home

Well, look what happened. Instead of writing morning pages, I had morning drama. Ted was being distant, I felt sure he was seeing his ex Wednesday night and since then he’s not sure about him and me.

Well, of course it’s not sure, nothing’s for sure, but I felt rejected and stupid and like I was failing, also angry and etc., for making me feel this way. Cried a little. Felt like walking out and got dressed.

He came over to put his arms around me. I told him I had a dream he dumped me for Lauren. Then I was walking to the subway and was attacked. I told him it freaked me out that I was having bad dreams again, or was noticing them again.

Anyway, I told him I felt crazy and alone and the fact that I was discussing it calmly without shrieking and wailing was a minor miracle. He was very good about it, but the feeling didn’t go away.

Then as we were going to eat, I saw some pictures on the table, thought they were him with Lauren and didn’t know what to say. Felt very tough and detached walking to breakfast. Felt beat and stupid and futile until I said, “I saw the pictures on your table last night.” He said, “They just came this morning.”

I was busted, I guess. I don’t know why I lied. I thought I saw them there last night and wanted to blame him for my nightmares. It wasn’t a conscious thing until I thought about it later. How could it be?

Anyway the girl in the picture was that girl Giselle who got dissed by Noah, and I cheered right up, but still felt stupid for making a big hairy scene.

We went back to his place and then Noah got up and we helped him a little with the dialogue for his film. Ted drove me home and we talked, bought plane tickets to Arizona, slept quite nicely and with success.

I’m freaking myself out when there’s no need to at all. I thanked him for hanging in, but I wanted him to tell me it was nothing and it was probably his fault anyway, but he didn’t, which was okay too. Felt like telling him, I love him.

He drove me to the wedding I was supposed to cover for the Press and in the car he told me he was happy to spend the extra time with me taking that drive. He’s too good. Sometimes I wonder, am I kidding myself? What am I doing with this guy? There’s nothing between us.

Then there are these moments and not just moments, but whole stretches of time when he makes me feel so good. When I feel so good about him and not just the externals.

I think he did handle me well this morning. Maybe I just had to test him to see if he could stand the real awful me. And I didn’t get real awful, though I felt it. I felt it real. And he did stand it.

He assures me he’s not going anywhere. I still want to push the Lauren issue just to see if it’s all in my head. I feel so dumb about the pictures. I said, “They’re nice, who took them?” And he said, “Desiree, the girl in the second picture.” And he sounded annoyed like he knew what I’d been thinking.

I wonder what he’s hiding from me. Why do I assume it’s something? Because I’m hiding from him? What am I hiding?

(To read the girl bomb diaries in chronological order, click here.)