around the middle of my wit

Tuesday, April 15, 1996
8:10am, train

So I guess I’ve been keeping these books almost a year.

Had lunch with Ian yesterday. Made up somewhat superficially. I think there’s some lingering resentment on my part. Mistrust of me as a clear-thinking person on his part.

I can’t wait to get to my new job. Scares the shit out of me. What if I made the wrong move? What if I hate it more at Pseudo? What I say to other people has to be true: I’m working on a book and it’s my top priority. What is my top priority now? Smoking pot and being with Ted. No wonder I’m going bats.

Hung out with Spyro last night and after one beer I’m a wreck, depressed, confused, and misanthropic. Glad I didn’t call Ted for comfort. The more time we spent apart, the better we are when we’re together. Too much everything at once.

Writing a letter to my dad last night. The absolute fury and sickness and self-doubt and confusion I felt. I’d like not to be at wit’s end all the time, I’d like to be around the middle of my wit.

I don’t have to get famous this year. I’m okay today, right now, as I am. And why do I instantly flash on my writing credits when I say I’m okay? I am a good person. Hard to accept. Don’t believe it yet. Falling back into the pit. Keep up the affirmations, positive actions. I am a brilliant and prolific writer.

I don’t allow myself enough time to write. I’m afraid of thinking, it seems.

Thursday, April 17, 1996
9:15am, work

Tired and unshowered today. Already got mad at Maddy in advance. I can’t let situations like that one even start to exist at Pseudo. Once I make a bad decision it seems to set something in motion where it just compounds itself and becomes harder to do anything about.

Another good session with Judith yesterday except I feel picked on and humiliated when she talks about me humiliating myself through my work, my early poems about all the sex I had. I never want to feel humiliated again.

I do feel very loving, caring, and affectionate towards Ted. But I’m not in love with him. And don’t know what the future holds for us. Though I suspect a break-up.

Noah said last weekend that Ted’s mom is an evil, evil woman. I don’t doubt it. He’s pretty fucked up. Fortunately it plays out mostly internally for him and he doesn’t take it out on others. Also, he wants to be good and kind which counts for a lot.

Have I mentioned to myself lately how thoroughly I hate this place? I’ll feel sad and excluded again when I leave. This much I know. But I’m itching like crazy to get away from it. Have it be less important to me. Care less than I do. How is it possible for me to not feel things as personally and as deeply as I do?

My own work has to be most important to me. My own work is most important to me. I am most important to me. I am my first priority. I can’t stand it here, feelings of helpless rage.

I’ve been used by this organization so blatantly and so consistently. I just want to jump up from my desk and yell I hate it here. I want to let everybody, and especially myself, know, I’m sick of this. And I refuse to let any other person try to put me in this circumstance again.

I’m afraid I’m not good enough to write a book, that it’s a pipe dream. But if I ever did, there’d be nothing left to do or want. It’ll never happen, I’m kidding myself that I have the discipline. But what if it doesn’t take discipline? I haven’t had to discipline myself to write my morning pages and I’ve stuck to them without strain. And when I’ve taken a break, it isn’t hard to start again, nor was there any punishment involved.

I can do it and I will do it and I am doing it. It scares me and it doesn’t sound true yet. But it doesn’t scare me. It invigorates me. It gives my life some meaning. Which my life had anyway.

8pm, home

Reading the books from December last night. Had to shake my head at myself. It’s so hard to see when I’m in it and so easy when I look back.

I’m glad I went over to Pseudo after work to check out what I’ll actually be doing there. It’s like a radio studio but there’s also chat? Then later, Galinsky called to talk about it. It really is quite exciting.

How come I’m so much calmer so far today? Spent the night alone last night. Read and wrote. I have a comedy show tomorrow. Need to work out my set. Feel nervous, not too psyched. Hopefully that will change. Was feeling the same way before the last comedy show, which turned out well. I was psyched afterwards.

I need to think with my heart more.