all smelly in the bed

Thursday, November 16^th, 1995
8:15am, train

I could swear that last night I was being very hilarious around Gary and Spyro. Sometimes I think when I’m comfortable I can be really funny consistently for an hour at a time. I’d like to be writing more comedy.

Also thinking about being defensive and how right now, at least, maybe defensive isn’t a bad way to be. That’s what I mean by “thinking hard about a lot of things.” Trying to spend less time fantasizing and obsessing.

Was thinking about how I want to act on this trip to Arizona, which means no freaking out over nothing. Still no hotels reserved, Ted wants to play it fast and loose, he says. The whole trip was his idea, he bought the tickets. I keep telling people, Ted got us tickets to Arizona for Thanksgiving. Ted’s taking me to the Grand Canyon.

Thought my mom was going to give me a huge guilt trip about missing Thanksgiving but I said Ted’s taking me to the Grand Canyon, and she immediately sounded pleased, impressed, like, good job getting a man to take you somewhere.

I want to take very excellent care of myself in all respects, which means avoiding my mother. Thinking last night in the shower about the time she told me I was a bad daughter for not wanting to take her to the lawyers so she could change her will right after she got out of the hospital. Remember how she got served with papers from Dave’s lawsuit in her hospital room? How you were proud of yourself for defending her?

I kind of want everybody to be quiet. I want to be private. This job is too demanding. I don’t need to prove all the time how great I am and how much I can cope with before I scream. I’m eating M&Ms because they were in my desk and they taste pretty good.

Spyro told me last night that every time I talk about Ted I say, “We see way too much of each other.” Always a superstition on my part that the better you know each other, the worse things get.

Friday, November 17^th, 1995
8am, train

What will happen today? Looking very forward to being on that plane safely and landing and everything being okay.

Dreamed last night of having an exasperating phone call with Jackson. Wondering why I tried to talk to him in the first place. I saw him a few days ago getting off the 1 train at Canal, but he didn’t see me. Funny how New York is just like my poems.

God, this pen sucks. Will I have the privacy to write on vacation? I sure hope so.

I hope I packed everything I need. I’m sure I’ll be fine. I could wear the same clothes every day and it would be okay with Ted. Felt like saying “I love you,” this morning as I was leaving. Him all smelly in the bed.

Skipped the Dial-A-Poem party last night. Everybody sucks up to the same performers all the time. It’s a bore. Ted said he doesn’t always like [Esteemed Poet]’s work. Glad he’s not too intimidated by the genius legend to say how he feels. Wish I could believe my own opinions more. [Esteemed] is the emperor’s new poet.

I want to snub the scene without getting snubbed in return. Maddy hated the poetry slam, I don’t blame her. I thought she was coming to look for me at the gym after work the other night because she was in crisis, but she was just going to the bank. Who do I think I am? Everybody’s mother?

To read the girl bomb diaries in chronological order, click here.