Falling asleep last night, Ted told me his shell gets harder and harder. I told him how Judith said I didn't need my protective devices anymore. I wish there were more truth and realness between us. We're still playing roles.

Ted came back early and is picking me up to see a movie at Chris Lee's house. Even though I said I had planned a few hours of work. It was quote-unquote my decision to say yes, but he sounded so crushed by the idea of me not coming over until after the movie. And I understand that very well.

Hung out with Spyro last night before Ted came over.  I was on herbal speed.  My new thing is I'm sick of my body and I hate it, etc., so why I don't have my gym bag with me?

It's already 9:15 and I'm still on the train.  The reading was pretty good on Friday, in that I did a good job, and the small audience enjoyed it a lot.  Also, I had fun.  Also, J. Reed is definitely threatened by me, which I'll choose to take as a compliment.

Just sitting here now wondering how I have managed to live my life so completely and consistently unhappy. Now I feel utterly paranoid that everybody thinks terrible things about me.

Called Judith in the afternoon, crying. It felt so good to confess how lousy I felt and to break a little, even if it was semi-public.

I could swear that last night I was being very hilarious around Gary and Spyro. Sometimes I think when I'm comfortable I can be really funny consistently for an hour at a time. I'd like to be writing more comedy.

I just realized how many little things I forgot today. I hate my shrink today because I feel like an idiot, like I do everything wrong. She thinks I make a fool of myself all the time, which is only partially true - only partially true that she thinks it, only partially true that it's true.

Twenty-six years old, and I no longer suck my thumb. Amazing. Unbelievable. And I haven’t hit myself since June, since I finally dumped Jack, no take-backs.

Whose handwriting is this? I rarely recognize it as mine. I think it looks very masculine, because it doesn’t care if you can read it later.