every moment for itself

Wednesday, February 14, 1996
9:35 am, work

Resistance is useless. Just saw my shrink, who basically told me to stop acting like a victim. I thought I’d have a half hour alone but my coworker’s already here.

Felt angry and miserable leaving Judith’s office, annoyed by her. “Well, you have to pay your dues.” Fuck off, fuck her, fuck that, I’ve paid plenty of dues, fuck everybody. I guess the guy bagging coffee at Manhattan Deli hates his job too.

Was thinking last night about imitating Maddy in my comedy act. Always with one hand on her stomach, going “Oooh.” Felt so jealous yesterday that she went out to lunch with Ian.

Looks like we might not be able to go away this weekend, which is fine. I want to be able to relax tonight and to clean my apartment and do laundry and write another column.

Talk to Ted, Judith said, meaning about sex. I’d rather think about the back of Noah’s neck. Told her I don’t know what I want, how can I ask for it? She told me that’s bullshit, you know what you want. You have very strong opinions and feelings.

Oh, why can’t I just indulge in erotic fantasy? Judith’s disgusted with me. Oh, that’s not true, it’s just how she comes off sometimes.

It’s so peaceful here in the morning. Sure, I’ll stick it out here, column or no. I don’t have to take crap, it’s true. Nowhere in my contract does it say I have to listen to people’s bullshit or stress myself unduly.

I don’t want to start my day yet. Don’t want to begin my interaction with Maddy just yet. Don’t want to ask her, how are you, how’d it go with Davis last night?

I want to write more than shopping columns. When Sam asks me for more shopping columns, I’ll ask him, “Well, what’s up with my other column?” I’m so annoyed that Ian gave me those lesbian club listings and when I called and asked him if they were for a reason, he’s like, “Just hang on to them.”

If I’m going to have poems for Dial-A-Poem in April I’m going to have to start writing them now. Maybe, I don’t know what. Maybe I should cancel, maybe I should just back out.

So anyway, what can I say to myself to comfort and nuture myself today? How can I help myself? Still separated into two, the heroic self who is saving the miserable self. Borderline. “Shitsophrenia” equals being driven crazy by a storm of shit.

I would like to be graceful, I would like to do everything I plan to do and forget. I would like to feel like I am not surrounded by immature idiots. Wonder if Ian fits that category? Seems like he’s grown up in the past year. Got to admit how much I get off on that cocky “I know more than you do, don’t worry about it” vibe.
Maybe I’ll page Ted right now and plan our Valentine’s dinner. Didn’t bring any pot with me to work, don’t really need it of course. Remember last weekend feeling gross from smoking too much pot. Remember, I don’t want to do that.

Get my mom off my case. Jesus how long is it going to take to get over the bullshit? I want to know I’m making progress. I know, I know already. Then why do I need to keep reminding myself? Because I’m bored and when I’m bored I pick myself apart.

Where is everybody? Jeez, how come they all get paid so much? Oh, what am I crabbing about? Everybody works hard, everybody has it hard. I’m not going to come to any decisions over it, I’ll just let it all sink in, but I want to put my head in my arms and just sleep.

Later

Of course, right after writing all that, Maddy asks, “So, you want to go get high?” We went to the roof and we liked each other. Sometimes I promise myself not to trust the people I hate and then other times I promise not to hate the people I trust. I can’t wait to take a long ass nap. My shit is raggedy, beat.

Looking forward to doing a really exceptional all new show soon. But what’s the meat of it going to be? I mean as ever, what will I read? It’s poem time, it’s get away from the facts and get to the truth time, it’s time time, it’s sometime, it’s every moment for itself. It’s jump out of the leaky lifeboat and swim time. Go to the gym time. It’s salvation time, excavation time, sensation time.

Why does Judith think I’m going to dump Ted? I wouldn’t do that. Be unfaithful neither, no, no, no. I’ll work things out with him, because it’s worth it.

Later, hallway

It’s 4:30 now, which is good but not good enough. I took Dawn’s cigarette smoking spot. I’m defending my right not to be talked to. Out here in the hall the carpet feels damp under my ass from the cold, the sky is dirty white, I am curious, yellow.

I think Anne resents me hanging out with her friends the extent I’ve come to. Shit. I’d resent it. Found out Ian wanted to come to lunch with me and Monty yesterday but Monty blew him off.

I wish I had more interesting stuff to say or observe. I want painting supplies. I want to bite Noah’s neck. I still sometimes want to suck my thumb. I must really enjoy being stuck. Every time, I learn something new in therapy. It’s not easy, none of it is easy.

Ian was saying the other day, so much pain. And I’m like, Eh, not so bad. When I’m not in it, it’s hard to imagine it.

Time to go flirt with Raj. Put my head down on my desk. Kiss my own hands for letting me write.