always go to the shit store

Wednesday, October 9, 1996
9am, Neversink retreat, common room

I’m pretty super tired, but I’d guess I’ve been very active, even with yesterday’s nap. Well, it’s on to breakfast, where no doubt I’ll be rude and write more. What a bother, I don’t want to have to talk to anyone. I don’t care how nice they are. I kind of want to go back to sleep. It would be easy.

Got a message from Gloria about a surprise party for Anne tonight. Ted will be there, with Abel and Vik and etc. Do I want to go? And why? To prove this or that? To whom?

I miss the cats very much. I’m glad I’ll be going home tonight, though I am having a wonderful, relaxing, self-loving time up here. I can carry that with me back home. Time to face the oatmeal.

Oh, how obvious can I make it? I’m different, and I’d rather point it out than to have you notice. One thing I think I’m losing, though, is the superiority complex, the idea that I’m not only am I different, I’m secretly better, which I don’t think I ever believed anyway. The hum of women’s voices is present. Everyone sounds happy and kind. I’m happy and kind. It’s all good.

Did some yoga last night alone in the big exercise room in front of the mirror. Waited to have a transcendental experience to see myself levitate two feet above the mat, which didn’t happen, though I was struck by awesome 3D-ness of my vision.

I keep thinking of Henry Sugar, the Roald Dahl story of the rake who becomes a yogi. I’m thinking how far I am from what I would love to achieve in terms of concentration and mind control, not of others, just my own. Being able to throw my consciousness like a ventriloquist’s voice. There is so much that is possible for me, for everyone. I really want to tap into something besides day-to-day logistical life. I know it’s possible, just not able to turn it on and off at will yet.

For instance, yesterday I spent a lot of time I’m thinking about the two boys with more perspective I hope and calmer but still ugh. So much work slipped in the cracks. Definitely going back to the woods in the morning, taking an afternoon class before departure. Just have to keep in mind, it takes time to learn.

I’m tired. I would love to catch another dreamy hour, pressed against the pillows in semi-jerk off stance, but just thinking, dawdling. Had some good fantasies about Brady while I’ve been here. jerked off quite a bit, all in all, which is something I needed I think. I have all of those dry months to make up for.

Thursday, October 10, 1996
11am, train

Definitely back home. I decided to blow off Anne’s birthday celebration. Hung out listlessly at Hil’s for a while, then came home and got ready to go over to Frank’s. Frank’s brother Tommy was there. We made chatter for few minutes, then Tommy left and we sat knee to knee talking, then started to kiss, and then went right to bed.

It was a pretty intense, fully conscious experience. I was in the moment, so much so that I had to go very slow, breathe very deeply, and stop once or twice because I felt dizzy and faint and sad for past lovers. All in all, though, most exciting and fulfilling, most deliberate as well. And I felt compelled to look straight into his eyes the whole time so I knew who I was with. It felt good. Not in the pure, unadulterated way that I ideally like, but it felt good and I liked it.

I stayed until 4 a.m., then came home and sacked out. Got up at 10. No remarkable dreams. Oh, except I forgot about the part where I cried and felt remorse. It’s so boring. How falsely pious. I’m afraid Judith is going to slam me.

Hil said she slept with two guys, one she doesn’t like and one does, and she didn’t want to say anything to anyone for fear of making it too real. But she told me, and I told her it didn’t matter that I slept with Chester the night I broke up with Jackson, and that it shouldn’t ultimately matter. But I lied to Ted today when I told him I didn’t have a new lover. Or was it a lie? Frank and I had sex. Is he my lover? Oy vey.

Well, Judith, this one was already blown. Maybe I’ll use my next opportunity better. Opportunity for what? To be alone. How afraid of that I am? Why aren’t I not able to address everything at once?

Hil said that Donald would be mad at her for not staying faithful to her estranged and difficult lover. For finking out and going to the candy store. I said, honey, you can’t always go to the shit store, sometimes you have to go to the candy store.