his ex in the outgoing mail

Wednesday, December 18, 1996
11:45, train

Had a productive but tough session with Judith yesterday. Talked a lot about my dad. Leaves me feeling better psychologically today, though I did watch a lot of TV last night and was up til 1:30. Now I’m going in late.

I kicked ass at work again yesterday, especially this conference call, where Tony and Josh couldn’t believe what a good job I did and I felt great about myself. Then two hours later I saw an envelope from Frank to his ex in the outgoing mail and I felt slapped in the face. What a dumbshit.

So I walked home singing loudly, “They Can’t Take That Away from Me” and “It’s All Right With Me.” And there’s something wonderful about walking so high over the bridge in the cold and seeing it all, both sides. And I saw another girl, young woman, maybe 17, standing and looking pensively out. We all have our hearts out, don’t we?

I’m bored of feelings. They’re overrated, or rather, over-emotionalism and hyper analysis are overrated. Therapy is the only thing that makes any sense. The only thing that’s been able to touch me or help me. I want everyone to see Judith. She’s the only one who’s any good. I want to

Interrupted there by a grey-haired man with a vacuum and an Eastern European accent. You like to write poetry? I said, yes very much. We agreed that the subway is a great place to write. Yes, he said, any place you find inspiration, it doesn’t always come when you want it. No, I said, it’s a gift. Yes, he said, a gift.

Thursday, December 19, 1996
9:30am, train

Yesterday Frank was incredibly solicitous and after work we hung out at his desk, talking about what was going on with each of us individually, and he offered himself as a source of comfort and support. I told him that I’d seen the letter to his ex, and he said, yeah, it was a hello back letter to a hello he’d received a few weeks ago. Then we went back to his place and did it, thus some good feelings all around. Then went home and had a sex dream about Brady.

Somewhat estranged from Hil these days, since the blowup after the show last week. Called her yesterday and didn’t get a call back, oh well. Harriet suggested I make the first move, you’re in a position to, she’s all hurt and fucked up right now, be understanding and not mad.

I feel like walking away rather than trying to solve things. Maybe I have this hopeless sense that things can’t be solved, if they involve basic flaws in other people’s personalities. I mean what the hell am I supposed to do about it?

Remember the anger and anxiety I used to feel waiting for the train with Ted? Remember how angry I was with him so much of the time, and how I never said anything because I wanted it to be good so much, I couldn’t admit anything else.

Tempted to take a hit or two this morning but didn’t. Now I’m looking forward to taking a few hits tonight, what else? I go see Judith tomorrow, yay. And it’s sunny and so far the winter hasn’t been too cold, we’re moving forward at work and I feel good.

Saturday, December 21, 1996
4:50pm, home

Slept a lot today, probably because I didn’t sleep too well last night at Frank’s. I was cold and I had a nightmare that he was being mean to me. But things with him are good and it makes me feel good to be around him. Still it’s intense and frightening. Conversations yesterday morning at Stingy Lulu’s, so heady, all about death, intimacy, spiritual comfort, everything.

Did some work, notes for the reorganization at work. Felt good but again scary, assuming an important role there, don’t know what happens next.

Spoke to Spyro last night, he’s going to his brothers on Long Island to clean out for a while, which is good.

I’m good, I just feel a little empty, stressed, not knowing what to do next, or how to deal with my dad. Which I’d like to take care of this week, so it’s off my mind, so I will, and that’ll be that. Dreamed the other night that he was being an incredible pompous jerk, why do I have to go to sleep to dream that? I could just call him.

Had lunch with Hil yesterday and didn’t get into the specifics of the week before, or even generalities, just let it go. Talked about a whole bunch of stuff, of course she interrupted me talking about Frank to say something else about Nico, but OK.

Wish work wasn’t so interpersonally oriented. Wish it would never be Christmas.

So, not being high in the morning but still getting high at night, oh well. Still love to smoke, the smell. Want more love, want the holidays to be over, want to feel happy, and great, and energetic, and optimistic. Really, I feel like going back to bed. Just don’t want to deal, but I will, here I go, and it’ll be great.