not too far from myself

Saturday, December 7, 1996
1pm, train

I’m on my way to the city to meet Harriet and walk back to Brooklyn. When you walk with someone you can talk, but you don’t have to.

Yesterday I bought myself a TV/VCR and hauled it back to my place. Today what? Am I going to blow off Frank? I’m lonely, and hanging out with Hil on Thursday didn’t help. And I don’t know whether hanging out with Harriet will help, and I don’t think hanging out with Frank helps. Hanging out with Frank hurts, and makes me feel more distant and alienated, yawning at my face. If you don’t find it a mighty world-shaking pleasure to speak to me, you are missing your brain.

So if I know so much, how come I don’t know it? I can’t act on everything all at once. I need hours and hours of delicious time alone, even if I just smoke myself out or watch movies, even if I don’t write a book by day X. And I said to Mat at the Indian place, I guess I can’t be Van Gogh because I’m just unwilling to cut off my ear at this point.

Oh, who cares what other people say? They are so in the dark, how can I possibly afford to care? So many, so confused, so afraid, so manipulated, so fragile, so tender, so wanting to be beautiful.

Sunday, December 8, 1996
4pm, home

Slept eleven hours, interrupted sleep. Woke up and skated one lap, started to go for more but felt sick, hot, cold, weak. Came home, spoke to Harriet.

Now I’m looking forward to Christmas at my mom’s, because I will get drunk and I think that’ll make me feel fine. Maybe I should be an alcoholic, maybe I’m not capitalizing on all my skills. Definitely need to be clear headed, clearer than I am. I’m so fuzzy all the time, like right now.

Oh, I’m writing, okay? Why did I take these notebooks away from myself and make them so important as potential art? I want to read from last November and I’m scared. I accuse everyone else of such fear and I’m scared. I’m scared of Soho on the weekends. I’m scared of acting different than I do. I’m scared of being taken over by other people. I’m scared of needing them too much.

Okay, so I countered this fear the way I would if it was my own head in my lap, and my tears I was wiping away. You don’t have to be afraid of being alone. alone doesn’t mean miserable. Alone means the way it’s always been anyway. Other people mean miserable. It’s hard to say. I’d rather be quiet.

Darius, he was smart and talented and together. And Reggie, they were both talented. So am I. So, good for me. Oh, honey, it’s working;,it is. Affirmations. How come I give them all away and save none for me? Maybe the story is someone who gives it all to others and learns not to. The story of me.

Monday, December 9, 1996
10:20am, train

Some outstanding things I did not do this weekend, easy stuff like errands. Hung out with Harriet yesterday. She got mad at me, for what? For saying I wanted to get together with Frank, who I’d had plans with, who I’d told her I’d blow off and then didn’t. Felt awful, angry, dopey, bad old patterns.

Well, I guess she calmed down, though. Of course, I’m up for further abuse at any time. Though of course she feels equally abused. Talking about love, men, and relationships the whole time we were together. How boring. If only I wouldn’t get stuck in the same thing again and again. Don’t know why I acted the way I did, making too many plans with too many people. Next weekend, next time I have time to myself I’ll be more protective and careful.

So I had a good time with Frank, which I guess surprised me. I felt pretty close to him, or at least not too far from myself. I didn’t smoke this morning, nor did I Saturday morning.

Don’t I write day after day? Isn’t it ever enough? Can I ever just be finished and lay down? And it’s such a shame I don’t suck my thumb anymore. It gave me so much to look forward to; so much comfort. Oh well, I don’t know what I want, except freedom from, or freedom to…

Freedom to feel okay about myself and my decisions, to feel like I’m not hurting anyone. Everything seems a little unreal. I can’t believe I’m not high, what a weird feeling. The words don’t seem real, nothing, this is a big long dream.

I definitely want more affirmations. I’m getting clearer and stronger. I am getting more self reliant. I love myself and value my own desires and feelings over other people’s. I am a good and caring person. I am angry, whatever. I want to stand up for myself and protect myself. I want to go home and get high and lose myself in my bed. I’m bored by the ridiculousness, the formlessness, and the flakiness of my job. By gum I’m here.