throwing myself up there to be judged

Saturday, March 2, 1996
10:40am, home

Well, I have to say, I’m glad that’s over. I felt so foul when we showed up and there was a hassle at the door.

Here’s what I enjoy: getting all dressed up and made up with sparkles in my hair, having people pay attention to me, the applause, the laughs.

Here’s what I don’t enjoy: Oh, so when are you getting another story published? Oh, you’re not doing Dial-A-Poem in April, Jackson is. So, have you spoken to Ava lately? Are you guys not speaking? Hearing the same poets do the same poems, having Bobby telling me to keep it short and then everybody else goes on longer and keeps doing the same damn poem.

I’m so angry at Ava and Jackson, and they continue to occupy the same professional and social space, more than I do, even. I’ll do the comedy clubs and see what happens, or I’ll stay home and write more books. I just don’t know. I want to get cast in something. I want credibility. I want everyone to know I’m more successful than them because I’m smarter, kinder and more talented.

Got a laugh where I didn’t want it in my new poem, which I’m only semi-fond of. I’m so excited about my change of medium to comedy. Keep it positive, keep focused on the good. I will get my shit together for the open mike on Monday.

Falling asleep last night, Ted told me his shell gets harder and harder. I told him how Judith said I didn’t need my protective devices anymore. I wish there were more truth and realness between us. We’re still playing roles.

I love Janice. I think Janice is terrific. If I was lucky enough to know Janice from the outside, I’d be intimidated by how cool, smart, funny and kind she is, how nice she is to other people, most of the time. I’d want to be around me, that’s for sure.

Did not want to discuss with Bobby what a genius Ava is. Maybe Ted and I can get some drugs from Abel, and I can have an induced catharsis. Everything is easier to handle, doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt.

Yesterday at work really did not go all that badly. The thing with Ron went fine even though I did not get a raise. I don’t think I really expected one. They said they want my byline in the paper every week, which I’ve heard before.

Monday, March 4, 1996
8:40am, train

Riding alone. Only a little remorseful about how cranky I was yesterday, but pleased that I recognized and voiced it in not the most horrible of ways. Not an easy weekend between the reading and my mom. Now that I’ve sworn not to do poetry readings, I should swear to myself not to go to them, either, or to read about them. It just makes me feel so angry and left out.

Also gave Ted a hard time about sex, how it was important that he try to turn me on, too. Just feel so out of shape and unattractive. None of my clothes fit, but of course, they were too tight to start with.

I will spend another day covering the front desk today, which is some relief from the monotony we usually know, but is its own special brand of monotony. I’m glad I’m not doing Dial-A-Poem in April. The pressure’s off.
Hope I have more time tonight to write. I’m assembling a nice little bunch of clips that prove I can be published without causing anybody major embarrassment.

Saw Raj on Saturday at Fat Rabbit, then we were all smoking up at Hil’s. Ted was trying too hard, talking about riding fakey and his old ’67 Fury. I could tell Raj didn’t like him, but so what? He was being sulky.

I felt weird about it, probably because I know the situation hasn’t been good, flirting that way with Raj when I’m committed to Ted. I don’t feel like writing today. It’s taking a lot of energy, when I just want to close my eyes and doze.

Saw Ava coming out of her building with her boyfriend on Saturday and it made me feel like garbage. She’s not supposed to be able to have a successful relationship. How much of my relationship with Ted is based on trying to prove that I can? How much is based on him?

Read Sandra Bernhard’s book this weekend. I’d like to get a TV VCR and a new apartment. Doing an open mike for comedy tonight. Feel annoyed that I’ll be performing. Don’t I want to give myself a break, stop throwing myself up there to be judged?