Hung out with Spyro last night before Ted came over.  I was on herbal speed.  My new thing is I'm sick of my body and I hate it, etc., so why I don't have my gym bag with me?

Absolutely broke down in Judith's office today, crying and crying and feeling a lot of pain.

Just seeing how hard it's going to be to keep from tripping out all day. Absolutely cannot stand five seconds in my mother's presence. Really feel miserable and low.

Maddy was confessing last night about Davis. How fucked up she is over it. Kept giving her anecdotes about me but, hey, what is relating about? Saying, “I think I understand what you're going through.” It's hard to admit that you’ve been a jerk, and the guy you thought was worthwhile actually sucks.

Well, look what happened. Instead of writing morning pages, I had morning drama. Ted was being distant, I felt sure he was seeing his ex Wednesday night and since then he's not sure about him and me.

There I am again, weeping in the bathroom.

How about for a change I lie on my bed and feel sorry for myself and cry. Why am I so chronically depressed.

I don't know why I feel so low, or rather I know only too well. But I really do fight it. To break it down is fighting it. I don't mean to drag you into my pit of doom. I do sometimes need a hand up from it.

At least I’ve stopped bursting into tears about it, at least I’m getting to feel more angry and righteous and strong and in charge of things. My stomach still hurts, and I still feel pretty dreadful, but I’m better, much more removed, and very grateful.