Ted came back early and is picking me up to see a movie at Chris Lee's house. Even though I said I had planned a few hours of work. It was quote-unquote my decision to say yes, but he sounded so crushed by the idea of me not coming over until after the movie. And I understand that very well.

Slept alone and long.

Got a letter from Jackson last night, which was a surprise. He misses me in his life, he wants to be friends again. HA. HA HA HA HA HA. Didn’t exactly apologize though. Gratified by the letter, I win. I win.

Don't want to be writing down my thoughts, be confronted by the moment to moment weirdness of them.  Don't feel like writing down dreams.

Hung out with Spyro last night before Ted came over.  I was on herbal speed.  My new thing is I'm sick of my body and I hate it, etc., so why I don't have my gym bag with me?

It's already 9:15 and I'm still on the train.  The reading was pretty good on Friday, in that I did a good job, and the small audience enjoyed it a lot.  Also, I had fun.  Also, J. Reed is definitely threatened by me, which I'll choose to take as a compliment.

Absolutely broke down in Judith's office today, crying and crying and feeling a lot of pain.

Maddy was confessing last night about Davis. How fucked up she is over it. Kept giving her anecdotes about me but, hey, what is relating about? Saying, “I think I understand what you're going through.” It's hard to admit that you’ve been a jerk, and the guy you thought was worthwhile actually sucks.

My first therapist, Judith, who I met when I was 25, did not have an organic brain disorder for the first fourteen years of our relationship. Then she developed rapid onset dementia. By the time I stopped seeing her three years later, she was unrecognizable.

One month with Ted. Mostly great so far, so easy, no fights. I’m not totally in love with him, but I really like him, and the more time we spend together the more I see how different he is than anybody I’ve been with.

Twenty-six years old, and I no longer suck my thumb. Amazing. Unbelievable. And I haven’t hit myself since June, since I finally dumped Jack, no take-backs.