The room we were going to sleep in is infested with ladybugs, which was great, so long as it was light. But when they started landing on me in the dark, I got squeamish as hell. Was told by Ted's friend Rich it was bourgeois of me to react so violently to bugs.

Felt angry and miserable leaving Judith’s office, annoyed by her. “Well, you have to pay your dues.” Fuck off, fuck her, fuck that, I've paid plenty of dues, fuck everybody. I guess the guy bagging coffee at Manhattan Deli hates his job too.

Last night was the work team dinner and I had to bolt right after eating. First one up and gone, though I was having a good time. One, Ted was waiting for me at my place. Two, I was getting a little too free and loud, and didn’t trust myself not to start trouble.

Ted came back early and is picking me up to see a movie at Chris Lee's house. Even though I said I had planned a few hours of work. It was quote-unquote my decision to say yes, but he sounded so crushed by the idea of me not coming over until after the movie. And I understand that very well.

Slept alone and long.

Got a letter from Jackson last night, which was a surprise. He misses me in his life, he wants to be friends again. HA. HA HA HA HA HA. Didn’t exactly apologize though. Gratified by the letter, I win. I win.

Don't want to be writing down my thoughts, be confronted by the moment to moment weirdness of them.  Don't feel like writing down dreams.

Hung out with Spyro last night before Ted came over.  I was on herbal speed.  My new thing is I'm sick of my body and I hate it, etc., so why I don't have my gym bag with me?

It's already 9:15 and I'm still on the train.  The reading was pretty good on Friday, in that I did a good job, and the small audience enjoyed it a lot.  Also, I had fun.  Also, J. Reed is definitely threatened by me, which I'll choose to take as a compliment.

Just thinking walking down 8th Avenue how much longer time takes when you're a kid, and how as a kid I couldn't wait to get to enjoy everything adults did, including the prerogative to act any way they wanted.

I just want to close my eyes this morning. It's all been too hard these past few days/weeks and I've made it harder by freaking out and always having to be so emotionally intense.