Ted came back early and is picking me up to see a movie at Chris Lee's house. Even though I said I had planned a few hours of work. It was quote-unquote my decision to say yes, but he sounded so crushed by the idea of me not coming over until after the movie. And I understand that very well.

Slept alone and long.

Got a letter from Jackson last night, which was a surprise. He misses me in his life, he wants to be friends again. HA. HA HA HA HA HA. Didn’t exactly apologize though. Gratified by the letter, I win. I win.

Don't want to be writing down my thoughts, be confronted by the moment to moment weirdness of them.  Don't feel like writing down dreams.

Hung out with Spyro last night before Ted came over.  I was on herbal speed.  My new thing is I'm sick of my body and I hate it, etc., so why I don't have my gym bag with me?

It's already 9:15 and I'm still on the train.  The reading was pretty good on Friday, in that I did a good job, and the small audience enjoyed it a lot.  Also, I had fun.  Also, J. Reed is definitely threatened by me, which I'll choose to take as a compliment.

Just thinking walking down 8th Avenue how much longer time takes when you're a kid, and how as a kid I couldn't wait to get to enjoy everything adults did, including the prerogative to act any way they wanted.

Absolutely broke down in Judith's office today, crying and crying and feeling a lot of pain.

I just want to close my eyes this morning. It's all been too hard these past few days/weeks and I've made it harder by freaking out and always having to be so emotionally intense.

Just sitting here now wondering how I have managed to live my life so completely and consistently unhappy. Now I feel utterly paranoid that everybody thinks terrible things about me.

Called Judith in the afternoon, crying. It felt so good to confess how lousy I felt and to break a little, even if it was semi-public.